ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
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I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
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And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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