Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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