if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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