The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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