the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
