I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Randomize
