I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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