My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
