He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
