when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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