i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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