Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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