My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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