before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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