Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
