Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
