Im at strip club and am horny
Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
