at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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