I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
