I just pynch a tree in the face
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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