youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
