i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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