well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
