After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
