and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
