shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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