Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
