im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
a search helicopter?!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
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I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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