We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
