I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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