no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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