i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
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some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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