I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
