When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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