You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
