Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
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The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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