i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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