I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
