Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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