dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
