pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I think my fart just growled at me.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
