I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
