In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I think I just sharted jello shots
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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