I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
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I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
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I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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