never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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