I'm so fucking centered right now
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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