I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
