just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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