Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
