I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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