Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
