There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
