I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
