he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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