do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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